Invictus.

Morgan Freeman was born to play Nelson Mandela.

I saw that in advertising for the movie "Invictus."

Isn't that fucking weird for both people. I mean, Nelson Mandela is still alive. If I were him, I would be thinking, "What the fuck? Someone was born to play me? I am still fucking alive! Why didn't you just ask me to be in the movie? Or make a fucking documentary. How is someone born to be me? That doesn't even make any sense!"

And weird, even, for Morgan Freeman. If I were Morgan Freeman, I would be like "What the shit? I have lived all these fucking years, and this is what I have been waiting for? To not be my fucking self? I can do other things too! I was not born just to impersonate someone, someone who is still alive and breathing! Look! I can juggle! Look, I can play the part of wisened mentor!"

Invention?!

http://newslite.tv/2010/05/18/iphone-voted-one-of-the-worlds.html

iPhone is ranked? It's not a fucking invention for fuck's sake. It's like claiming Wikipedia to be the smartest person on earth. It's a fucking "collection" of shit other people invented. The camera is an invention on it's own. Having shit organized in a pocket-sized piece of plastic was done before with Palm Pilots. Touch-screen was an invention. The internet existed and exists concurrently without the presence of any iPhone. Arby's made us use it back in the day, with Mexicans on the other side presumably looking at pictures of what we wanted on their side of the counter. The mobile phone is it's own invention. Zack Morris used it to call Mr. Belding about puberty.

Some people claim that the iPhone is an extension of their brain. How the fuck does that happen? How the fuck is your own personal knowledge-base stored into an exterior, non-biological entity? You don't have a USB port to your god-damned brain. The iPhone helps people cheat. You don't have to remember phone numbers anymore. You don't have to sit there, thinking for hours on end, about answers to stupid trivia questions. You're fucking lazier than ever, and dumber, because you have an iPhone. Everything you don't personally know, everything you don't personally put your own thought into, is easily accessible through the internet, to which the iPhone serves as a messenger of.

And it is listed with real inventions such as the wheel and penicillin.

Knife Kills and Teabags

I was hooked on Halo. I was playing ranked until I reached a point where I only got one star and kept getting bars underneath meaning I wasn't moving up in ranks. Then I moved to Social Slayer. The sheer joy of killing someone, having them see you teabag their corpse, while you speak through your Live headset and know that they can hear you yelling the words "teabag mother fucker!" in their own headset or maybe even TV speakers.

Then along came the Modern Warfare 2. I never really got into Modern Warfare 1, but I really got into Modern Warfare 2. I never really got good at it, but garnered enough points to unlock all the weapons up to the AK-47 and reach level 70. I never prestiged, though. Then I got suckered into paying fifteen bucks for the new downloadable maps. With no achievements. What a waste. Fifteen bucks for just maps, and no achievements. That is the most I have ever paid for anything on XBOX live. Total ripoff. The cutoff for add-ons should be ten bucks. Assholes.

It got stale real quick, and we learn of another sequel war game of which I never played the predecessor of. Battlefield Bad Company 2. It took some getting used to, as I was used to the run & gun tactics from Modern Warfare. For crying out loud, the only joy I found in MW2 was

finding snipe campers and laying multiples C4s on them with the scavenger perk equipped. The maps in BFBC2 were huge. The graphics sucked. But it had vehicles.

Still not enough to sell me on it.

Then I learned of one thing.

Knife kills earn you dog tags. Dog tags of the player you killed. The ultimate insult. Why? Because you can review the Dog Tags you have taken in the game and online. You can keep track of how many dog tags per person you have gotten. It means they were stupid enough to let their guard down while you ran all the way up to them and didn't waste a bullet. And the kill-cam is better than MW2. It shows you after the kill, like in Halo 3. So teabag away.

I have gotten up to 1843 knife kills/dog tags up to today. At one point, when I reached 1000, I was 50/50 on knife kills/gun kills. Meaning I preferred to knife people instead of shooting them. This means running behind someone for sometimes the whole map, just to get the knife kill. But my K/D ratio suffered and I am now 500+ kills below 1.00 K/D at 0.88. But I still prefer the knife kill.

In one of my games, I got a guy at 11 times, well maybe it was a few games in succession. But I killed him 11 times by knife in that day. I got to the point where I would celebrate knifing him with multiple teabags. Hoping he was watching in disgust on his own TV, crying.

The next day I logged on, my skill level was reset from the high 100s to 0. Zero. I figured it was my unsporting conduct. Which led me to my next great idea for games.

Teabag stats.

The only rules I can come up with are:

1. Teabag must be applied to corpse from your own kill (you can't teabag someone else's kill)

2. Teabag must be applied within at least 5 seconds (sucks to snipe, or if you're a hiding camper, you won't teabag in hopes of saving your little hiding spot)

3. You score 1 teabag point for every drop and raise within 5 seconds (imagine the Halo guy announcing "TEABAGTACULAR!" or "TEABAGTROCITY!"

How fucking amazing would that be?